I am always the friend. The lean-on girl. The go-to for girl advice girl. I’m never the girlfriend. Or the friend that gets her best friend to fall in love with her at the end of the movie. Someone will flirt with me, be all cute and shit they lead me on and then they just leave me there with strong feeling and confusion not knowing what the fuck to do. It’s happened countless times and is happening right now. I don’t understand. The only thing I do understand is that each and everyday that this hangs over me I feel worse about myself. Everyone tells me I’m a great “friend” when I can more than just the great friend. I could make my boyfriends dreams come true. I can make them happy every single day of the relationship. I will never ever make them fell small or unappreciated. I will still be their guidance counselor when they need it, I will steall be the lean-on girl but not a friend but as the girlfriend. I’m sick and tired of watching everyone get into a relationship before me when all they had to fuckin do was send a couple of texts and  BAM! they’re instantly together forever.  Not once, has it worked out that way for me. And I don’t know why.I think maybe its Karma because I used to be a horrible person to the one person that never stopped loving me all through highschool. Or Karma because I was a pathological liar. All in all, I think it’s Karma. Or I’m just really that repulsing. theres always someone prettier than me, thinner than me. I am content with the friends that I have. but I need more.

I’m ultimately sad. all the time. For obviouse stupid reasons. But I can’t stop being sad. My birthday is on valentines day. Every single birthday is a living nightmare. Watching everyone kiss and hug their significant others, watching the biggest whore in school recieve a million teddy bears and roses. I’ve become bitter. Hateful. And its all  towards this stupid fucking holiday of my birthday.

When I lived in florida, I was in love with my friend David. He never knew it or even suspected it. When I moved away we lost touch for about 2 years. When he started talking again, he confessed his love for me and I confessed mine. We were all lovey dovey for a while but he has these episodes where he’ll ignore me for a week or two. I become instantly depressed and I just beg and plead to the heavens that he’ll answer me or txt me or skype me. When that doesnt work I lose all hope and I become angry. angry at everything. until he talks to me again. And then I forgive him instantly when he does. I dont understand why he does to me. I don’t know if he notices that he does this to me.

When I get close to someone I get possessive. And If I dont talk to them or see them for a few days, I feel forgotten, alone, or like I annoy them or piss them off. I have the tendency to come off a little too strong. So I think that when this happens, they freak out and dont wanna talk to me because I feel more for them then they do for them.

I’m not medicated for it, but I think I should be. I want to be medicated for it. But everyone thinks I am already because thats what I told them and they see me take pills on a daily basis. The pills are an iron supplement. I’m anemic. I’m medicated for anemia.

After seeing my friends getting boyfriend after boyfriend and I couldnt even get a guy to look at me, my self esteem went from worse to rock bottom in a matter of seconds. I became depressed for the obvious reasons of stupidity.

I’ve been heart broken, I’ve been cheated on, I’ve had the worst self-esteem you could ever imagin. I made my life terrible by myself. I was suicidal. But for stupid reasons. I never cut myself, even though I said I did. I’m too scared to get near a fucking safety pin, let alone a fucking razor blade. The only reason I was so fucking depressed was because i hated myself. I thought no one wanted me because I was fat. Because I wasnt pretty. Because I didnt put out.